David Tennant's Nativity Triumph

This morning David Tennant was up bright and early to join Christian O’Connell at Absolute Radio to co-host the Breakfast Show and appear in the show’s Nativity play. It has to be said that his performance surpassed all expectations (although you may ask yourself how high were these in the first place) and frolics and festive fun were had by all.
Read what happened below:

David dragged the Absolute Radio Breakfast Show into the gutter from the offset. Having had his first look at Christian O’Connell’s script for the station’s much anticipated Nativity play, David denied that he was edging towards the door and was, in fact, starting the extensive preparation he does for every role. However, he couldn’t resist a mention of Mary’s hymen, sending the rest of the Breakfast crew reeling. “It’s just a biological reference!” he protested.

Richie launched into an explanation about why they probably wouldn’t be around much beyond 11am as it was the day that the ancient Mayan calendar appeared to indicate the end of the world. All of the theories – a dark comet, a super volcano, magnetic reversal and the frankly quite bizarre  fox cancer debunked by the incredulous David, mainly on the grounds that it had already passed the time point in Australia!

On the subject of foxes, Christian brought up the subject of the lion poo that a zoo had sent him in the post to ward off the foxes from his garden. David had an even bigger confession – he goes out under cover of darkness to urinate in his garden to scare off the noisy, messy beasts. “It works!” he claimed” But you have to do it every night”. Christian made comment that it would also, in David’s case, be fortified by Irn Bru.

David got particularly competitive over the Christmas TV Schedule Game but despite a strong start he was beaten by Maggie Doyle. Next, the End OfThe World theory was finally debunked by a powerful email by listener James Franklin. “It’s just the end of the calendar, like ours ends on December 31st” James ranted “Just start a new calendar the next day! That’s what the Mayans did!”

David gave a bit of feedback about the Nativity script that he was perusing. He was stumped by a couple of the references. “Who is Christopher Maloney?” he asked. “He came third in the X Factor” Christian explained “But you can be excused for not knowing that”. David admitted that he didn’t have any further problems with the script at that moment.  Christian dubbed the Nativity play ‘Nativity 3’. David took the opportunity for a swift bit of promotion. “Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger, of course, still in all good cinemas” he said. There was an awkward couple of minutes when several of the crew admitted that they hadn’t seen the film yet, although they all promised faithfully to do so.

The team went through their last texts ahead of asking listeners to forward their own. David’s was a rather starry one with a Christmas greeting from Jessica Hynes “With four kisses” he added. Listener texts led to a discussion about last night’s Eastenders. An unfortunate description of actor Jamie Foreman’s physique left Richie and Maggie fearing for their lives when details of Foreman’s own East End connections were revealed. “You brought the Mayan apocalypse on yourselves” David told them.

Christian asked David when he would next be on screens. David mentioned Spies Of Warsaw on BBC Four. Christian asked him about his blond perm that he’d sported when he’d seen him in the summer “No, that was for something else” said David, evasively (it was for The Politician’s Husband). The inevitable question of the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary came up. “No-one has been on the phone to me” claimed David. No-one believed him: “Look at that wink”. “It’s a lazy eye!” protested David.

Meanwhile the Nativity play cast were starting to turn up. Two of the wise men had arrived along with a very hungover Ian Wright, who still wasn’t aware of his casting. David had a first look at his costume. “It doesn’t seem very substantial” he said warily, inspecting a bra. He wasn’t too impressed with the smell of it either. He then dedicated the next song to Ty “Who is developing some quite excellent musical tastes” – Let It Be by the Beatles

It was time to get into costume. Christian was delighted with David’s appearance: “You haven’t shaved for a couple of days and you have an enormous Adam’s apple. You’re an emo Mary!” Ian Wright’s role was finally revealed when he was presented with his costume:  a hungover Midwife Dinosaur!

The Nativity itself was notable for terrible puns, shaky delivery and missed cues along with a manger constructed and sponsored by Wickes. David pulled out all the stops in his childbirth scene, performing labour scenes with a gusto that can only have him nominated for an Olivier award next year. “It’s called acting. They don’t just hand out those BAFTAs” he said. Ian Wright stepped up, despite his hangover and being lumbered with the hottest costume of them all. It was clear that one or two of the cast hadn’t prepared their lines as much as Christian might have requested. The play was punctuated by snippets of songs performed by singer-songwriter Newton Faulkner and rounded off with a lusty singalong to Wonderful Christmastime.

Afterwards with Christian still out of the room basking in the post-performance glory, David and Richie threatened to barricade him out of the studio and take over the show. At last the cast and crew all gathered to dissect their performance. Wrighty wanted to take the dinosaur outfit home “because it’s warm”. Christian begged him to wear it home so that other motorists could look over and be presented with the vision of Ian Wright driving a car while dressed as a dinosaur. Sadly the footballer declined.

David decreed the last half hour of the show to be a free for all where any music can be played, including Christmas hits. “This morning we’ve had the Smiths and Arctic Monkeys. Let’s get festive!” He insisted that Christian play The Pogues and Kirsty Maccoll’s Fairy Tale Of New York. “There, it’s Christmas now” he said as the song faded away. He went on to wish the winner of the phone in competition Nadolig Llawen:  “That’s your actual Welsh”. Christian got David to dedicate a song to his mother and Maggie revealed that her own mother was very proud of their performances in the nativity. Christian is determined to bring Maggie’s mum in as a guest. David was worried that, as they live quite close to each other, she may have spotted him peeing in the garden late at night.

With the clock ticking down and the crew wishing one another Merry Christmas Christian signed off for the year with a 30-second blast of Zoom by Fat Larry’s Band, a song that he had promised to make his final track of 2012.

The show podcast and film of the Nativity play will be available on Absolute Radio later today.

This morning’s playlist:

Slade – Merry Christmas Everybody
Of Monsters And Men – Little Talks
Oasis – Cigarettes And Alcohol
Iggy Pop – Real Wild Child
Black Keys – Gold On The Ceiling
They Might Be Giants – Birdhouse In Your Soul
Adam And The Ants – Goody Two Shoes
The Smiths – This Charming Man
Jake Bugg – Two Fingers
Primal Scream – Rocks
Adele – Skyfall
Arctic Monkeys – Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor
The Beatles – Let It Be
Florence And The Machine – Spectrum (Say My Name)
Human League – Don’t You Want Me
The Lumineers – Ho Hey
Stereophonics – The Bartender And The Thief
Rolling Stones – Doom And Gloom
Coldplay ft. Rhianna – Princess Of China
Gotye – Somebody That I Used To Know
Green Day - American Idiot
REO Speedwagon – Can’t  Fight This Feeling
U2 – Mysterious Ways
The Pogues and Kirsty Maccoll – Fairytale Of New York
Newton Faulkner – Dream Catch Me
Bruce Springsteen – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
The Proclaimers – (I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles
Red Box – Lean On Me
Fat Larry’s Band - Zoom